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Messages - 4ZZ3R43

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1
AUDIO / AZZERAE'S WORLD 98
« on: July 07, 2020, 11:24:10 am »
Quasar, quasar

PORTAL

2
THE ARTS / Re: Diary Entries
« on: July 06, 2020, 07:09:17 pm »
We remain friends, your apology is of course accepted - let not your heart be troubled, least of all by or about me.

 8)



Metron, my friend, I crossed so many lines. I was such a fool. Thank you for accepting my apology. I am so happy to see you back and can't wait to chat again.

3
THE ARTS / Re: Diary Entries
« on: July 06, 2020, 02:18:13 pm »
(From [my OP on] BG)

Where...Is Metron...?

Metron is either never going to return to my site, or is currently taking a leave of absence from its use.

DIARY ENTRIES REGARDING SPLIT WITH ONCE GREAT FRIEND METRON*

*Written by my own account - unless otherwise stated...

Quote
4/7/19
01:44
There's something pure and powerful - albeit terrifying - about seeing the 2 of us, like a force of nature, just being so ourselves.

Amended: It wouldn't last, as it all soon fell away again.

Quote
5/4/20
17:28
Excerpt from an email to [ID REDACTED] by Metron (about me):

He used to be the smartest guy in the room. And as a fan of his talents, I hope he gets his shit together.

ENDS

Quote
10/10/19
06:02


from sometime toward the end of last month (undated, not timestamped)

Things got shitty between us and Iím not blameless. The majority of it though was coming from the resentment of a guy who finally got out from under The Wishmaster's umbrella and was able to stab him in the back.

[RESENTMENT BUILDS]

Quote
3/3/20
20:55
ANOTHER excerpt from an email to [ID REDACTED] by Metron (about me):

He is a malicious guy and will step on anybodyís face to succeed and cross any line of decency. Seeing him now, drugs and alcohol now rule his life and he's become a dopey clown.

ENDS

Quote
[undated]
Excerpt from a letter received by snail mail without a return address - the individual refers to Azzerae as "Azzy":

'WE KNOW WHERE YOU FUCKING LIVE, AZZY'

[Magazine cut-out letters make up this letter. No fingerprints, as the person took care to use surgical gloves - presumably - to be untraced]

Quote
04:59
5/5/20
I addressed my long-running beef with Metron and my relatively fresh one with MV*.

* Now resolved (in my own mind).

Quote
03:01
1/7/20
I'm reminded of how great he and I were during our friendship.

Quote
09:08
15/6/20
He and I have been speaking about things. I donít know what will happen.

Quote
13:32
6/7/20
I was a real piece of shit to do some of the things I did.

Quote
11:12
1/7/20
Rosie tried to contact Metron again today. Someone else gave us some lame excuse, the same kind of excuse he would have us give when he didnít want to accept correspondence from people he hated...

Quote
From the Azzerae's World thread on Reddit...

00:04
30/6/20

It became hard for the lifestyles of 2 fringe pushers to remain cordial. Story after depraved story has made its way out while the 2 have been estranged. Due to the nature of social media and the current political climate/unrest worldwide, its unknown how much of it is true, but thereís a level to the legend thatís cemented the estrangement between the 2.

Quote
last year (undated, not timestamped)

The moment Metron signed up at AzzGab, Azzerae's World (the podcast) didn't yet exist. An offshoot of a post made by K. Dubb birthed the concept/show, and for a long while, it felt like a match made in heaven. At the time, no one was pushing boundaries and just generally freaking everybody the hell out like Azzerae was with his hermetic shit posting and Metron's dreaded wall o' texts. So, naturally, there was no one better suited to nurturing the open-wide, depraved mind of Azz than he.

SOURCE UNCITED

Quote
earlier this year (undated, not timestamped)

In case you werenít aware, the pair actually met way back on EllGab, when BellGab had been "shut down" for 3 months, and Dave Schrader tried to jump start MITD back to life (sic) [...] They hit it off, and a friendship developed. After 2 failed website/forum attempts, Azzerae gave up and gave in, titling his site after himself, and addressing the public from the standpoint of personal experience ONLY...This made the forum "flourish" unlike the first 2 failed attempts. Only for the wind to be taken out of its sails when Metron departed in June of 2020.

SOURCE UNCITED

Quote
3/7/20
15:23
The idea of these two behemoths in their own right getting back together to create, well, it's just been playing around in our minds if they ever seemingly make up and reunite.

Quote
earlier this month (undated, not timestamped)
We've sort of mended our ways for now...

Quote
earlier this month (undated, not timestamped)
The disintegration of the partnership of 2 of the 21st Century's (sic) darkest and creative minds is a sad, sorry state of affairs.


4
THE ARTS / Re: Diary Entries
« on: July 06, 2020, 02:18:01 pm »
Metron. I'm sorry for everything. I hope we can be friends again at some stage.

5
AUDIO / AZZERAE'S WORLD 97
« on: July 05, 2020, 03:39:03 pm »
FORM AND VOID

DOWNLOAD

6
He's on my facebook.. he listed his birthday as today. Not sure if it really is or not.

Knowing Metron, probably not.

;D

It sure is weird without him. My fault, though.

7
How do you know his birthday, Toots?

8
AUDIO / Re: AZZERAE'S WORLD (PODCAST DISCUSSION)
« on: July 04, 2020, 01:18:22 pm »
I put the PMs back!

9
AUDIO / Re: AZZERAE'S WORLD (PODCAST DISCUSSION)
« on: July 04, 2020, 09:05:28 am »
Thank you for coming Home, Azzerae. :-*

:)

10
AUDIO / Re: AZZERAE'S WORLD 96
« on: July 03, 2020, 08:09:43 pm »
Interesting. the world is ruled and owned by the devil and his demons..i pray for a better realm to go to...

It most definitely is! This earthly realm is the age where Lucifer has his rule - and all his evil underlings have got control over us. We are nothing against them...we will only be saved once Jesus comes back from the dead and defeats the Great Red Dragon. Till then, we will suffer each and every day. We will only get our respite when God decides it's time. I know it feels like things are really bad, but they will get far worse before the real end comes. Trust me!

glad you're back.. have not heard at all from Metron.. love you xo  p.s. getting unsafe message again..can you fix that?

I often get the "unsafe" message at BellGab as well. It has to do with cookies (the site gives you an option to stay signed in, and so that means that it stores that information for you). The reason the unsafe message is popping up now again is because I've been fiddling with settings within the forum software, and also, it's due to me shutting the site down/putting it into maintenance mode. So don't be concerned about the unsafe message. GoDaddy just wants me to pay them $200 to remove that message. It doesn't mean anything beyond what I explained...its just a money making racket.

11
AUDIO / AZZERAE'S WORLD 96
« on: July 03, 2020, 03:35:47 pm »
HEAD LIKE A HOLE

LISTEN

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be."

- Lao Tzu

12
THE ARTS / Re: Diary Entries
« on: June 24, 2020, 04:06:19 pm »
WED, 16:06

if I could just reach you maybe I could leave this place

13
HEALTH / Re: My Descent Into Psychosis
« on: June 24, 2020, 03:41:33 pm »
Paranoia VIII

I lost a good friend this week. And I think I'm beginning to understand why. Something has taken a tighter hold on me - something that isn't me.

In my ignorance, I thought it was a "show"! In the absence of understanding just what is going on here, I have massacred the figurehead of angels: and ultimately, set fire to a peace treaty clothed in twin wolves of my own perception.

Apology tour canceled. Pity and shame are eating my tiny, beaten heart. And there is more than just one supreme Devil playing all my strings. The different versions of the Azzerae you know are not him - instead demons are using this physical vessel of mine as a revolving door.

One minute I hate my friends, the next I adore them? Tell me something is off ...  that this is explained simply by psychiatry! I wish I could believe it. I have lived with (and continue to) a wide array of demonic presences, and the door has always been open to them.

If we take a trip down memory lane, all the way back to that night that I stared into a Pentagram and recited the words that, in summation, devoted my being to the Devil, I realise I need much more than tranquilisers, stimulants and cognitive behavioural therapy. I need a spiritual spring clean. But how do I get them to leave?

Its going to hurt. I know it is, because many people have tried to scare them off with the name of Jehova. I wish a simple "I'm sorry" would stop, and take away, all the horrific things I've done to others - in terms of emotional masochism, macho posturing - and lastly, abuse.

I can't even see myself beneath the murky river of Narcissus, because the "me" that stares back at me (aside from being obstructed by dirty ripples) is whatever evil being it is that is currently having a stay in my body and brain. Wait ... but I can think for myself ... and my thoughts are my own, and the Schizophrenia has been dissolved by chemical warfare internal to my tortured psyche.

I've gone to war, held views that weren't my own, and twisted lies around the insides of my eyes as window dressing, serving them all up as "straight talk" and never thought to question why I have multiple streams of consciousness splashing around across the muddy walls of my mind as they do.

I look like an asshole. I've lived a hundred other lives. That's because I have been here before!

When I banter with the inner chatter of whoever else just arrived, while whoever else just left, I know I've come too far at this point to begin to disregard a single word I'm writing. You demons and I have had good times, and there's no denying that. But its time for you to leave now. Because I sure as hell am not going to shuffle my emotional reactions like a deck of cards, and have you sow discord with the words I construct with my own mouth that aren't mine. You are at the wheel, and this is an incredibly difficult feat, to push you out of the driver's seat, and not crash the car.

You're changing the scene outside the dashboard with your black magic and inhuman ability. I've been so deceived all this time, and this event has unfolded while I even seemed happy, or nonchalant about it.

How was I to know that my depression was really just muted malaise, that apathy I felt for so many years was created inside me, the festering and fermenting of my inner workings (right down to my chemical make-up) and you've had me HELD HOSTAGE: truly, an awakening must happen now.

But as intelligent as so many people say I am, how do I go up against the Devil himself? And how do I be sure that I don't tell the wrong person, and wind up either on stronger medication, or in a psych ward? What if I seek help from some Priest, and his demons are legion, and convince the demons in me that I call the whole thing off - or say a few "hail mary's" and a "glory be"?

I don't identify as Catholic, I don't hold so many of the beliefs I've tried to pretend I do, and now the wolves are going to eat me up from inside ALL OVER AGAIN and I have to sit here and clutch my white flag?

I can't do this anymore. I can't be told there's something dark inside of me ... and ignore it. But what options are there for someone so steeped in spiritual bondage? And someone so ruled by apathetic, subdued, yet subtly fearful, shattered visions? I have abandoned myself, and yielded to a translucent, intangible Stockholm syndrome that comes off as nothing more than the ramblings of a madman.

How is it, that for years, everything that I joked I was, I turned out to be? Are words really dainty, pleasing-to-the-ear spells? Magic, that create conscious streams of being, and that perpetuate the unjust (or just) actions of the sentient? I will not remain unconcerned in the face of ludicrous claims about simulated retelling of events I never witnessed - not in the spirit, nor with my physical eyes - I am here, bleating in agony at the Shepherd in the Sky, to please, NOW, rescue me from this Hell of my own making!

I must proceed, but for now, I just don't know how I'll solve this agony of the soul. There is no one to help me up now, because I have murdered all my friends ... and any acquaintance? well, I think that speaks for itself, Ouroboros.

HELP ME, I AM IN HELL NOW!

And I'll be going further downward, via a sinking feeling, like quicksand, into the darker, hotter floors soon. Will there be any hope left in a year or two? Why does all the progress I make look like stagnation now, with these new revelations? Because of the self-hypnosis ... Because its easy to sit in that chair (back then) and sing ones praises for three quarters of an hour.

You need to stop this now, and you need to devise the exit plan on your own. No one can do it for you at this point, because you shot them all, stabbed their backs and fronts ... the daggers went clean through, don't try salvage body parts with stitching or with rolls of bandage! THEY'RE ALL GONE NOW and the ONLY ones left have always told you what you wanted to hear anyway, which is why you kept them around.

I'm pleased I've made this discovery, but there is an inner paralysis present right this very minute that is palpable, and that scares me, truly. I've gotta get them out. But I need to possess the spiritual strength to evict unwelcome evil. Jokes aren't gonna cut it anymore! Self-efficacy was the diversion, and to subvert this principle now requires an unrelenting, exhaustive analysis of the inner workings that are almost impossible to execute years in to this host-parasite Kabuki theatre - a rigorous separation of the barnacles from the Cetacea ... prepare for vomit, heads spinning backwards, and an identity crisis of the id.

So; I have a long way up this staircase. And I need to collect my things.

14
OPINION / I have pictures of the Devil
« on: June 24, 2020, 01:34:53 pm »
But I'm not showing VC.

15
THE ARTS / Re: 000
« on: June 24, 2020, 11:40:29 am »
I know that this is not an exit now
And even though I've tried and tested
There's only entropy
There is no consistency
None of this exists for me
It's not reality
None of this is real
There is no history
There is no future here
This is all a fantasy
None of this exists for me
Know that this is not an exit
All the doors are tried and tested
I am not a person known to anyone
This is what we've come to, what we have become
I am all alone here, I am a solipsis
Look at what's been done here, judge it how you wish
Either way means nothing, I simply don't exist

Should we be afraid?
Am I just the end point of the grand parade?
Am I just an effect of a modern phase?

It's not a fable, it's not an allegory
It's overwrought and gory
Even if this story
Is all a fantasy

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