Author Topic: My Descent Into Psychosis  (Read 545 times)

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4ZZ3R43

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Re: My Descent Into Psychosis
« Reply #45 on: February 26, 2020, 10:29:09 am »
If it doesn't get better you have an answer, albeit a really tough one.

Is there any chance that a change of physician would yield one that knows the path of antidepressants and can point to your proximate location now and identify what's to come?

Just wondering if your treatment is, as you seem to outline, a methodical downbeat in a life previously rich in creativity, but also pain?

Sure wish I had that one potent insight for you, alas no...

Oh, your insight is potent and helpful, alright!

I think I'm just projecting, when I blame my physician. Everything was going more than alright, but I need to work on the way I articulate my thoughts, feelings and condition all round.

They can only help somebody who can effectively express what it is they're going through.

Ironic, seeing as though they're dealing with nutters, like myself.

Metron

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Re: My Descent Into Psychosis
« Reply #46 on: February 26, 2020, 05:56:21 pm »
Oh, your insight is potent and helpful, alright!

I think I'm just projecting, when I blame my physician. Everything was going more than alright, but I need to work on the way I articulate my thoughts, feelings and condition all round.

They can only help somebody who can effectively express what it is they're going through.

Ironic, seeing as though they're dealing with nutters, like myself.

Yabutt...your means of expression are elegant, eloquent, and remarkably self-aware. I think to an extent you're easier than a lot of patients who resist opening up.

You have your art, your writing, and your podcasting. That's a wealth of insight and awareness, truly. :)

4ZZ3R43

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Re: My Descent Into Psychosis
« Reply #47 on: February 26, 2020, 07:09:03 pm »
Yabutt...your means of expression are elegant, eloquent, and remarkably self-aware. I think to an extent you're easier than a lot of patients who resist opening up.

You have your art, your writing, and your podcasting. That's a wealth of insight and awareness, truly.

All the artistic talent in the world doesn't help them get to the bottom of what it is that's bothering me, as sweet as you sound, buddy.

I've inadvertantly lied in my doctor's office a couple times, especially in the beginning - be it out of fear or desperation, I'm certain it lead to more than one of the roadblocks set before me on the road to recovery.

You have so much faith in me, it seems, and that's all anyone wants, really. They want to be given hope ... have tomorrow matter.

I think we're both realising our "personality tests" are dead on. And its fascinating!

Metron

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Re: My Descent Into Psychosis
« Reply #48 on: February 26, 2020, 11:30:07 pm »
All the artistic talent in the world doesn't help them get to the bottom of what it is that's bothering me, as sweet as you sound, buddy.

So one thing I do know about therapy is that art can be a key component, and your art tells some critical stories, albeit they no doubt recognize the suicidal and self-hurt issues already.

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-art-therapy-2795755

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How It Works
An art therapist may use a variety of art methods including drawing, painting, sculpture, and collage with clients ranging from young children to the elderly.8 Clients who have experienced emotional trauma, physical violence, domestic abuse, anxiety, depression, and other psychological issues can benefit from expressing themselves creatively.
Where an art class is focused on teaching technique or creating a specific finished product, art therapy is more about letting clients focus on their inner experience.3
 In creating art, people are able to focus on their own perceptions, imagination, and feelings. Clients are encouraged to create art that expresses their inner world more than making something that is an expression of the outer world.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/arts-and-health/201406/creative-arts-therapy-and-expressive-arts-therapy


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I've inadvertantly lied in my doctor's office a couple times, especially in the beginning - be it out of fear or desperation, I'm certain it lead to more than one of the roadblocks set before me on the road to recovery.

That has to be expected, they're professionals and ought to be looking for commonality of narrative and noting departures from what your "norm" at any juncture might be. If anything those lies would stand out like a sore thumb given your general and laudable candor. That's spelled "courage" btw...

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You have so much faith in me, it seems, and that's all anyone wants, really. They want to be given hope ... have tomorrow matter.

HELL YES!

But that faith comes from observation and participation with you on a level not driven by avatars or drama games. In essence I've learned quite a lot from and of you over the span of this forum interaction and the depth of persona and willingness to engage in psychological nudity (thanks to Michael Savage) are why I see you as a survivor, and at some point a victor.

Long journey? Yes.

In vain? Not at all.

Progress? Lots that I can see.

I guess I'm somewhat prone to looking at patterns and traits and then putting a trend line as the overlay. Yours shows immense progress in the face of daunting odds. It may be hazy to think back to where you were vs. where you are today, but as an observer I can plot a course of improvement. I bet Forest Dweller sees it too.

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I think we're both realising our "personality tests" are dead on. And its fascinating!

I love those tests. How they can nail that much accuracy from a few pages of questions is quite bracing! You know this much, haters like the Ballgrab trolls neither can nor ever will  be honest enough with themselves to take the test. Can you imagine what VC's or MD's stamp would look like?

And I don't even know if they have a spectrum for Heidi Hater - that one is messed up in ways you need never fear. Of all your traits the least likely are backstabbing and invasive head games.

See...even in all this sea of angst real lessons and insights emerge!


4ZZ3R43

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Re: My Descent Into Psychosis
« Reply #49 on: February 28, 2020, 05:29:45 pm »
So one thing I do know about therapy is that art can be a key component, and your art tells some critical stories, albeit they no doubt recognize the suicidal and self-hurt issues already.

Yup. That stuff is definitely inside me. And it's real. Even though VC mocks me for the themes that reappear in the artwork I've created for my podcasts.

The reason it doesn't hurt me, though, coming from him, is because I wouldn't publish those pieces online in the places I do if I weren't able to stomach the hostility and vitriol that festers in these dives.

I'm fully conscious that if I want it to be private, I wouldn't show anyone. But I have years of work that has never seen the light of day, so I figure, I might as well put some of it out there, rather than let it grow dust and rot away as time goes by.

[Your doctors are] professionals and ought to be looking for commonality of narrative and noting departures from what your "norm" at any juncture might be. If anything those lies would stand out like a sore thumb given your general and laudable candor. That's spelled "courage" btw...

*speechless*

I've learned quite a lot from and of you over the span of this forum interaction and the depth of persona and willingness to engage in psychological nudity are why I see you as a survivor, and at some point a victor.

Long journey? Yes.

In vain? Not at all.

It is incredibly fulfilling to read these words, and realise how far we've come (from the days of EllGab, I believe?)

Heady stuff.

Progress? Lots that I can see.

I guess I'm somewhat prone to looking at patterns and traits and then putting a trend line as the overlay. Yours shows immense progress in the face of daunting odds. It may be hazy to think back to where you were vs. where you are today, but as an observer I can plot a course of improvement. I bet Forest Dweller sees it too.

Forest is a good man. Possibly the best man ... the finest I've ever had the privilege of rubbing elbows with, so to speak.

Haters like the Ballgrab trolls neither can nor ever will be honest enough with themselves to take the [16 personalities] test. Can you imagine what VC's or MD's stamp would look like?

I'd rather not. Those 2 are HUMAN GARBAGE.

Heidi Hater - that one is messed up in ways you need never fear. Of all your traits the least likely are backstabbing and invasive head games.

I'm having a conversation with Dynamo Hum very soon. I have some thing to ask her, and I know your opinions of her are strong, but I do feel the conversation deserves a level of decorum absent from the sour, acrid air of the GabCast.


Metron

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Re: My Descent Into Psychosis
« Reply #50 on: February 28, 2020, 10:45:19 pm »
Yup. That stuff is definitely inside me. And it's real. Even though VC mocks me for the themes that reappear in the artwork I've created for my podcasts.

The reason it doesn't hurt me, though, coming from him, is because I wouldn't publish those pieces online in the places I do if I weren't able to stomach the hostility and vitriol that festers in these dives.

I'm fully conscious that if I want it to be private, I wouldn't show anyone. But I have years of work that has never seen the light of day, so I figure, I might as well put some of it out there, rather than let it grow dust and rot away as time goes by.

Understood and agreed. The VC troll is summarily denied the power to be of any value whatsoever by dint of his lunatic hatred and obsessive stalking.

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*speechless*

I'm sorry, but that was an Occam's Razor moment, it seemed so onbvious to me.

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It is incredibly fulfilling to read these words, and realise how far we've come (from the days of EllGab, I believe?)

Heady stuff.

Oh yes indeed, and Ballgrab too. There has been observable growth and self-realization issuing forth like green shoots!



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Forest is a good man. Possibly the best man ... the finest I've ever had the privilege of rubbing elbows with, so to speak.

He has a default setting not to hurt, be it animals, the planet, people, etc.

I find that just as rewarding as you do, now if he'd just open up a tad more here...hoping is... 8)

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I'd rather not. Those 2 are HUMAN GARBAGE.

Indeed I can find few if any redeeming qualities, even MD's alleged right wing politics schtick just took another Obummer dive yesterday, so his tarnished conservative halo is retired for good.



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I'm having a conversation with Dynamo Hum very soon. I have some thing to ask her, and I know your opinions of her are strong, but I do feel the conversation deserves a level of decorum absent from the sour, acrid air of the GabCast.

I stringently disagree, as you already know.

And to invite evil like hers into your already complicated life...wow...the timing could not be less propitious. Suffice to say if she's your latest fancy after the shit DeCON ladled out on you I have to question what perceived benefit you get from any of these stalker scum.

Have fun, but have it without moi. :'(

Toodles.

4ZZ3R43

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Re: My Descent Into Psychosis
« Reply #51 on: February 29, 2020, 08:55:14 am »
I take it you won't be present for my live stream? Due to Dynamo Hum's scheduled appearance?

That's a pity, but I do understand your not wanting to be a part of something/someone you find irredeemable.

I'm not gonna take it personally at all ... but I know BellGab is gonna perceive this as a rift between you and I, coupled with a barrage of insults from De Con that I "bombed" by having "no listeners" and even my 1 friend wouldn't tune in.

I get it, though, I get it. Vote with ya feet and all that.

I only wish you'd give me a chance, and see how I go about the show ... and if you feel it's what you feared it'd be, you turn it off.

That's all.

Metron

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Re: My Descent Into Psychosis
« Reply #52 on: February 29, 2020, 07:07:36 pm »
I take it you won't be present for my live stream? Due to Dynamo Hum's scheduled appearance?

That's a pity, but I do understand your not wanting to be a part of something/someone you find irredeemable.

I'm not gonna take it personally at all ... but I know BellGab is gonna perceive this as a rift between you and I, coupled with a barrage of insults from De Con that I "bombed" by having "no listeners" and even my 1 friend wouldn't tune in.

I get it, though, I get it. Vote with ya feet and all that.

I only wish you'd give me a chance, and see how I go about the show ... and if you feel it's what you feared it'd be, you turn it off.

That's all.

Well shoot, that's kind of unfair for you to use both logic and emotion on me Azz, sheesh! ;)

I will say this, if I listen and then bail it's for good and also because the rancid twat just makes me feel unclean, at a deep spiritual level.

I don't cotton to evil people, in fact I tend to war on them until I've made my points and then I move elsewhere.

Ask yourself this - why is Heidi Hater willing to do a livestream with you but completely unwilling to post here?

Does that inconsistency not tell you something?

I do wonder what Forest Dweller thinks of this pairing.

But I need not wonder what Ms. Sweetvoice the consummate fraud will trot out to stroke your male ego. I have so seen her act more times in this life than I ever cared to, so frankly this is like having a buddy that picks up a  sidekick who's very clearly bad news from the get go.

Sorry friend, I'm way too far along the path of life to let my orbit be intersected by vermin like Heidi. I can call in and wipe the airwaves with her but the victory will be pyrric at best because as a full-on sociopath she has no capacity for self-awareness nor honesty.

She may be an esoteric curiosity to you at your stage, even a highly tempting sparring session with the worst of the worst, but for me she's just stinky dog poo on my shoes, an optional filth I do my best to avoid.



I literally do not listen to anything DeCON does any more for the same reason, he's a complete fraud and I find people like that super tiresome to lend any headspace to.

 :-\




Metron 2267

  • ~ the propinquity of moving electrons~

4ZZ3R43

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Re: My Descent Into Psychosis (Paranoia VII)
« Reply #54 on: May 24, 2020, 12:20:58 pm »
Paranoia VII

Why is everybody so close? The proximity of them to me is putting me on edge. I want to freeze time, to capture it all in a snow globe and have the freedom to fly over the city without the God damned, motherfucking walls of body heat closing in on me like mechanical walls in a modern day gallows.

My body is a gulag here. I need your help, I need my space. I'd rather be invisible or nothing. Anything is better than this.

Noise. Banging, talking, people. You lock us up for fucking months, and then you open the floodgates and the ceiling is the floor. I detest every living thing that has air in its lungs, or possesses the ability to be bellicose and audible.

I need silence. You need to sit down and shut the fuck up, now. I can't take another word. Everything is throbbing, pulsating and rumbling. My ears are about to bleed. Just sit the fuck down, please.

Why can't they be alone with their thoughts? Why did I have to be punished like this? I hate any sound out of any mouth or any throat making agree-upon meaning out of the things in their heads.

I want to jump, I seriously do. I need to have silence. I can't take the edge that's in this city, and I don't want to be blamed for not being able to stomach it, ever.

Please, just a minute. Can we pause? Stop the world, I wanna get off. What possesses people to start moving around and slamming their doors and cupboards? What is the real point of rearranging furniture, and cleaning out the dirt that was swept under the rug for weeks?

You're doing it to your God damned, motherfucking SELVES. I can't take it anymore. I can see why people take submachine guns into public places and just squeeze. I can't take another minute of this shit, but I do.

What is the urgency, for these maggots to squirm around from one mound of dirt, hollowed out, to another? Christ. It just goes on, and on and on and on...

Bullets, bidets, bigotry. I need my space, I need my time ... And no one, and I mean no one, is going to rush me to any self created finish line. I don't do tricks for treats ... I am incapable of the rush.

I want to die in my coffin, in peace. Save the funeral attendees, please. All they'll do is muddy up the grave site, and console one another because whatever it was I could do for them I can no longer do.

You are nothing but an opportunity for people to take responsibility off their hands. All these years, of burden after burden, and they can finally breathe free. Jesus. Housework? Why? I'd rather die in my filth, the way it was intended.

Call it shit where you eat. Call it what you will. But I can't seem to shake the way my hairs stand on end at the slightest rustle of leaves. I need my space, quietude, silence, contemplation.

Why do they need noise, and interaction? Why are they so desirous of having hollow back slaps and self righteous encouragement, especially, from people who mean nothing in the greater scheme of things.

Why would I be any different from you? Why would hatred be appropriate, love? None of it has the weight or meaning attached to it that you think it does. If this incessant disruption would just cease for a fucking millisecond, I'd breathe a quiet sigh...but it wouldn't make it go away.

What do you do when someone is coming apart, and the only thing that can save them is a little white pill, and some consolation from a paid ear? They don't care about you, and you're more trouble than you've ever been worth.

Subdued paranoia, brooding, wallowing. I'm still annoyed, and ready to charge at the many red flags around me. Fuck this shit, I hate myself and this situation so much right now nothing anyone could ever say could ever lift me out of the pit of darkness I'm slumped in, bleeding to death. I hate the taste of the tears. But most of all, I hate that no matter whether I live or die, this agony continues.

Metron 2267

  • ~ the propinquity of moving electrons~
Re: My Descent Into Psychosis
« Reply #55 on: May 24, 2020, 08:49:08 pm »


 8)

I'd like a break from it too.

Re: My Descent Into Psychosis
« Reply #56 on: May 24, 2020, 09:00:21 pm »
Would it help to "go bush" even if its only for a day or two?

Metron 2267

  • ~ the propinquity of moving electrons~
Re: My Descent Into Psychosis
« Reply #57 on: May 24, 2020, 10:20:10 pm »
Do you recall the vacation pics Azz posted early on from the coast vacay?

I think Padre has a strong suggestion here...



...replace the rifle with a telephoto lens maybe...

4ZZ3R43

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Re: My Descent Into Psychosis
« Reply #58 on: May 24, 2020, 10:56:35 pm »
Would it help to "go bush" even if its only for a day or two?

Could you, please, dumb this one down for me?

Metron 2267

  • ~ the propinquity of moving electrons~
Re: My Descent Into Psychosis
« Reply #59 on: May 25, 2020, 10:06:51 pm »
I think he means bag the apartment, take a trip to the bush, camping, walkabout or whatever you chaps call in SA - clear the mind webs away...